LinkedIn

What Happens if You Use LinkedIn as a Dating Site?

An investigation

Photo courtesy of Flickr/Rawpixel (CC)

I used LinkedIn as a dating site for two months. If you’re into having some dirty fun with partnered professionals and are willing to play the long game, LinkedIn is your next great dating app. You can find an affair AND the possibility of a better gig.

I’m unemployed. (Attractive, right?) I use LinkedIn to look for work and attempt to network. I decided to trawl for dates to break up the monotony of scrolling through someone’s 500-plus contacts. (Hello, lack of search functionality, LinkedIn!)

I went on three dates (plus one pending) with men I connected with on LinkedIn. During those two months, I went on approximately 32 dates from actual dating apps. The LinkedIn dates were great. The 32 other dates were sometimes maybe sort of OK.

LinkedIn profiles contain the same information that’s available on popular dating apps, and more. Pictures on LinkedIn are almost always a clear shot of someone’s face, unlike the asshat pics people post on Tinder. LinkedIn profiles have useful information to measure compatibility, such as (duh!) occupation and work history, education, hobbies, volunteer work and group affiliations.

You can’t tell how tall a person is from a LinkedIn profile, but (am I right, guys?) ladies need to shut up about their high-heeled height requirements already. There are more important things to care about, such as likelihood of home ownership.

Some would say the biggest challenge to dating via LinkedIn may be that there’s no indication of relationship status. If you must know, you can find out if someone is married using Google. Search for “[Name] wedding San Francisco,” and you’ll find a registry on The Knot.

Most of my lady pals have received unwanted solicitations on LinkedIn. There are tons of stories out there about how it’s creepy and sexist to flirt in the guise of networking. Would guys feel the same way when I offered to discuss our personal and professional development over a drink?

I sent (awkward!) blunt messages to guys with sexy-sounding career titles, such as astrophysicist, early Facebook employee and “Hi, I’m Aziz.” A spreadsheet might have come in handy to track my progress and identify trends, but I just followed my nerd-loving bliss willy-nilly. I got ignored a lot, made many new contacts and sort of annoyed a scientist, but mostly I flattered a lot of partnered people.

My first LinkedIn “date” took place at Pläj over multiple rounds of infused aquavit. He’s married! Our conversation turned to my sex-positivity story, which mentions how I’m finally confident that my pussy tastes as delicious as Dune spice after going down on another girl as part of a threesome. Hmm, a threesome with the LinkedIn rando and his wife? I asked to see a picture of the wife. She’s hot! I didn’t play the “seduce the couple” long game, but I could have.

I maybe annoyed Mr. Advanced X-ray Optics Project Scientist

Major twist: he’s not single. Despite the best pickup line for seducing a scientist ever, our conversation ended there. Stupid Trump!

Ooh, Mr. Consultant is a fan!

Shameless plug for the people who pay me. Are engaged guys more or less likely to cheat?

Mr. PhD was having none of me

At some point I started to write to dudes in my professional sphere. I used to be a jury consultant, and I received four out of four responses from the Dr. Philz.

I don’t really have a thing for sportswriters, although I did get ghosted by a NYT reporter in town covering the Warriors. Give me back my earrings, dickhead!

I somehow can’t think of why I lost Mr. Ex-Googler.

Mr. Ex-Googler was my best chance at a lucrative affair. He knows everybody in the Valley. He’s married to an accessories designer, like a good, famous person should be. I scared him off by being weird.

I got my foot in the door with Mr. Biz Dev.

Hehe, guys are so easy. If only Mr. Biz Dev had a taste for the SF flavor of the day.

Mr. Entrepreneur is in a long-, long-term relationship.

I had to find out how Mr. Entrepreneur would disappoint me. I Googled him and found out that he is related to a internationally renowned groper. IRL he paid for lunch and three beers, had the bedroom eyes and hooked me up with a professional contact. Our encounter was not at all disappointing.

I went on three dates (plus one pending) with men I connected with on LinkedIn. During those two months, I went on approximately 32 dates from actual dating apps. The LinkedIn dates were great. The 32 other dates were sometimes maybe sort of OK. Ladies with more game than me should totally play on LinkedIn. Go on LinkedIn and flatter a bunch of partnered guys. You have nothing to lose.

At press time Aziz Ansari has not responded to my InMail.

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